"it won't be easy for awhile"

i am trying to look ahead to when it can be easy.

to a time when i will be able to kiss her shoulder
because the light is hitting it just right
and i cant help myself.

long division

she told me that i had beautiful hands
i looked down and i laughed
because?
of course i should.

when she told me i had beautiful eyes
i believed her.
because it was convenient

"you can get anything you want with those eyes, cant you?"

but my petrified deer look
when she asked if she would see me again
made me feel like a monster
i would spend the rest of my time avoiding her

even when she said
"look! i can pull off 'boy'..."
gorgeous,
with her baseball hat holding all that hair back behind her ears

i just tilted my head and smiled and looked at the boardwalk
and knew that after dinner I would never see her again.

i felt like i had been ravished by God.

that same heady, drunk feeling i had had the night before
when we broke the bed and she left.
but this was sea
and sky
i hadnt felt wind like that in years
nearly toppling me from my wooded perch
as a child, growing up at the beach, i had experienced the force of the ocean
it scared me
it felt overwhelming and far more powerful than anything i knew
and
i had seen a lot.

the water at night was terrifying
enough to give me nightmares
and the most primal reaction when faced with standing at the edge of white capped blackness.
i wanted to run

but tonight, i stood on the stairs as the waves crashed just feet from where i stood.
daring me to step from my safe spot and join it.
the air whipping my hair around furiously.

i didnt think about where she was tonight

i didnt think about what was happening

or the girl who'd bought me a drink and said she'd be looking for me later

i thought about "god"
and i thought about how
that moment was as close as i would ever get to seeing it
and
as i do whenever i feel small and overpowered
i said
"thank you"