i felt like i had been ravished by God.

that same heady, drunk feeling i had had the night before
when we broke the bed and she left.
but this was sea
and sky
i hadnt felt wind like that in years
nearly toppling me from my wooded perch
as a child, growing up at the beach, i had experienced the force of the ocean
it scared me
it felt overwhelming and far more powerful than anything i knew
and
i had seen a lot.

the water at night was terrifying
enough to give me nightmares
and the most primal reaction when faced with standing at the edge of white capped blackness.
i wanted to run

but tonight, i stood on the stairs as the waves crashed just feet from where i stood.
daring me to step from my safe spot and join it.
the air whipping my hair around furiously.

i didnt think about where she was tonight

i didnt think about what was happening

or the girl who'd bought me a drink and said she'd be looking for me later

i thought about "god"
and i thought about how
that moment was as close as i would ever get to seeing it
and
as i do whenever i feel small and overpowered
i said
"thank you"