my head screams that it wants out of my skin more often that one would imagine.
i picture myself running and running and running until i collapse.
blaming my parents seems the simplest solution
maybe they let something happen to me that i dont remember
but that cant be right
its always the little things that i forget
never the big things


history always repeats

as funny as this is going to sound to the other half of the "Bad Idea Bears"
i am not impulsive with her.

in the past, my talent to get away with
shooting my mouth off
if im pissed or cranky or over it
has been second to none.
and its not just that she wouldn't let me get away with it,
its that i don't try do it.

my ability to sort through things,
my ability to stop and assess,
my desire to be a grown up about how i deal with things that come up between us.
the lack of compulsion to flee when things get heavy.
the fact that im not panicking from the weight of it.
that, for the first time,
in a very LONG time,
i do not have one eye on the door
or on another girl.
i am not sure what to do with that last one.
as that has been a constant in my relationships for almost as long as i can remember.

i have both of my eyes squarely on her
and this
and sometimes my shoes

this was written on 10/20/04
and i still feel the same way.