im not talking about it so dont ask me

i always knew that girls could break my heart in a way that boys would never be able to
it was always my biggest fear.
it was the reason i was so ginger with my affection
it was the reason i kept them at arms length
and picked the ones that wouldnt be a concern.

i dont think she sees the value of this.
or the rarity.
in the day to day
and in crisis she is unable to see clear.
in crisis i see more clearly than i do at any other time
what really is and what really is not
and this crisis was like a big, wide, blue sky
where i could see for miles
and all i could see was the single thick black cloud
that would always be there
that no matter what i do
no matter how much i try to redeem myself
no matter how dilligent i am
i will always have a record

maybe in the end, i picked the one that would do the most thorough job.
and at some level i knew it going in.
then i was lulled into thinking that it wouldnt happen.
and it did.
and then it happened again
now maybe i should put the little hard candy shell back on