secret code

this is the story of the unraveling of us.
but at its core it has been a continuous love letter to you.

a way of sorting through
but also a way of letting you know what was important when i wasn't able to tell you outloud,
when sometimes even post its wouldnt have done.

because we both knew you would
and we both knew that i was writing it to you

i feel incredibly at ease now
surprisingly so.
it feels good
you were right
i Do keep going back to the beginning to say
"remember when you came to my house JUST to tuck me in?"
"remember when we would walk around the streets of SOHO for hours having temper tantrums in aisle 7 when we couldnt find dinner at 1am"
that was before we were interrupted.
thats when we built what we have now in its bare bones structure.
we ARE there
with all of the stuff stripped away

i will never be able to rid us of the fallout.
the only thing that i can continue to do is to try to make up for it.
and to never forget how fragile it is
and how wildly forunate i am that it is also so sturdy.



im not really sure where to write what anymore.
i have had everything perfectly segmented and split according to its gravity.
i am worried about the levees
and what is going to seep into what
where is the sewage going to go?
what will happen to my house?
i thought i was sure that the worst was over
but what if its not?

i talked about the beauty of the walls around you while you move through something.
sometimes that is easier to say.

i told her that i envisioned gagging and tying up my inner 'caretaker'
but i realized that, really? its one of the things that i am best at and i don't ever want to give it up.


no more monkeys jumping on the bed

my hair still full of last night
covering a brain dreaming of taking all the unruly monkeys by the hand
one by one
sitting them down calmly and quietly
and giving them a job
making architectural models maybe.
something to keep them busy but thinking.
anything to get them to stop shrieking and jumping on the console


friday is the new sunday

last night i felt 'lonely'
but simply that.
there was no sadness or grief attached to it.
just lonely

it was in the noticing that everyone was coupled up last night
and that all i wanted
after a really rough week
was to have my knees pressed into the back of someone elses
curled up on the couch
and NOT going out.



my head feels 'swimmy' and good.
it feels nice to experience that giddiness and let go of what you think it 'should' be.
I would be lying if I said that there wasn't a tiny bit of me that is yelling
'dumdum. Be careful please'