the edge

its been awhile
im navagating something not so raw as when this was born.
i am trying to see where i fit in this picture
im trying to make amends
im trying to mend fences
realizing what this year had done to me.
i have moments when i am alone
where my heart sinks to my knees
and i blush with embarassment at my transgressions
its become more than the sum of the small visible parts.
right now
is the first time i have shed a tear in some days
the thought of who i am and what i became...
even if only for the smallest amount of time.
thinking about what to rebuild
and what can go to fallow
where to say
"im sorry"
and "i love you"
but still move on



it was raining in the airshaft when i woke up this morning.
the rain in that small, closed space sounds like the amazon
like drums and heat
like sex
warm steady and humid
it makes me happy, melancholy and sad
we'd lay there listening and smiling at eachother.
because it was better than music and words.



finally speechless

i don't have anything else to say
i feel like that's all im going to be able to tell him...
i have said it all

in bulletpoints even

i love you.
i am still in love with you.

what do i want?
i want to be naked next to you sometimes.
i want to hold hands
i want to kiss you without feeling strange
i want to make dinner with you a couple of nights a week
i want to be included in your plans

you told me the other day that you haven't read any of this because you can't
its easier to 'put your head down' and get through

it makes me sad.

you are letting me walk away

because eventually
if those things that i want are not somehow fulfilled
i will start to shut down
i will stop caring

you said
"i can't say anything about it..."

and you whispered
"but I don't want you to shut down"

but you don't reciprocate.
i am getting angry feeling like i am chasing you.

you say
in jest
"if you are still my girlfriend, you still have to take care of me"

and i say
in my head
"if you are still my girlfriend you have to take care of me"

so in an effort to avoid redundancy, i refrain from talking.

unless you give me something else to talk about.