new home

someone once said
if you are going to fall
fall forward
The End.

before and after...

she said,
"i wish i could be her for just a minute.
Just to have you look at me the way you look at you phone when it lights up when she calls"


which made me sad in a way that i dont even know how to articulate.

and
i wish you looked at me the way you used to

the way she does now.

laugh clown, laugh.

im afraid to say too much.
im keeping everything to the barest of minimums.
i think there is no surprise in how i feel.
im lost.
and lonely.
and even when im laughing really hard and loud.
i wish that she could be there to hear what im hearing
and laugh at what im finding so funny.

the laughing is new.
im scared a little bit that im laughing when im sad
i worry that maybe im handling this too well.

im not talking about it so dont ask me

i always knew that girls could break my heart in a way that boys would never be able to
it was always my biggest fear.
it was the reason i was so ginger with my affection
it was the reason i kept them at arms length
and picked the ones that wouldnt be a concern.

i dont think she sees the value of this.
or the rarity.
in the day to day
and in crisis she is unable to see clear.
in crisis i see more clearly than i do at any other time
what really is and what really is not
and this crisis was like a big, wide, blue sky
where i could see for miles
and all i could see was the single thick black cloud
that would always be there
that no matter what i do
no matter how much i try to redeem myself
no matter how dilligent i am
i will always have a record

maybe in the end, i picked the one that would do the most thorough job.
and at some level i knew it going in.
then i was lulled into thinking that it wouldnt happen.
and it did.
and then it happened again
now maybe i should put the little hard candy shell back on

know no evil

i dont ask.
mostly because i know
a little because i dont want to know any more than i know.
there really isnt any more time in the day so there isnt anything to wonder about.
i know her.
well enough to know that she can't split herself
soooooo
finely
to know that she is harder on herself than

that

but i dont KNOW
i know what i think i know
and whos to say that im not fooling myself
because i must
in order to be where i am
that i dont
lalallalalalallalalalala

and i dont ask because
i like being here

right.
here.

I gave her my fathers crooked smile.
The one he gives when he is feeling all-right with the world.

I hadn't known until that moment that I even had that smile.
The devil smile that charmed everyone
The smile that got him through.
The one he gave to women right before he said 'hi sweeeeetie!!!!' in a slightly higher pitched voice.

I wondered if I did it all the time or I if I had just discovered this hidden ability.

If I HAD been in possession of this sleight of hand all my life, how much had it determined where I found myself? How had it gotten ME through? Did it charm people the same way?
i dont know
but
what i do know is that she introduced herself right after.