laugh clown, laugh.

im afraid to say too much.
im keeping everything to the barest of minimums.
i think there is no surprise in how i feel.
im lost.
and lonely.
and even when im laughing really hard and loud.
i wish that she could be there to hear what im hearing
and laugh at what im finding so funny.

the laughing is new.
im scared a little bit that im laughing when im sad
i worry that maybe im handling this too well.

im not talking about it so dont ask me

i always knew that girls could break my heart in a way that boys would never be able to
it was always my biggest fear.
it was the reason i was so ginger with my affection
it was the reason i kept them at arms length
and picked the ones that wouldnt be a concern.

i dont think she sees the value of this.
or the rarity.
in the day to day
and in crisis she is unable to see clear.
in crisis i see more clearly than i do at any other time
what really is and what really is not
and this crisis was like a big, wide, blue sky
where i could see for miles
and all i could see was the single thick black cloud
that would always be there
that no matter what i do
no matter how much i try to redeem myself
no matter how dilligent i am
i will always have a record

maybe in the end, i picked the one that would do the most thorough job.
and at some level i knew it going in.
then i was lulled into thinking that it wouldnt happen.
and it did.
and then it happened again
now maybe i should put the little hard candy shell back on

know no evil

i dont ask.
mostly because i know
a little because i dont want to know any more than i know.
there really isnt any more time in the day so there isnt anything to wonder about.
i know her.
well enough to know that she can't split herself
soooooo
finely
to know that she is harder on herself than

that

but i dont KNOW
i know what i think i know
and whos to say that im not fooling myself
because i must
in order to be where i am
that i dont
lalallalalalallalalalala

and i dont ask because
i like being here

right.
here.

I gave her my fathers crooked smile.
The one he gives when he is feeling all-right with the world.

I hadn't known until that moment that I even had that smile.
The devil smile that charmed everyone
The smile that got him through.
The one he gave to women right before he said 'hi sweeeeetie!!!!' in a slightly higher pitched voice.

I wondered if I did it all the time or I if I had just discovered this hidden ability.

If I HAD been in possession of this sleight of hand all my life, how much had it determined where I found myself? How had it gotten ME through? Did it charm people the same way?
i dont know
but
what i do know is that she introduced herself right after.