the bed

no matter where i am
dinner with friends
walking the dogs
writing a post
a bookstore
i dread the thought of having to go to bed
i can skitter in there for quick functional things
things like finding socks
or putting my shoes and coat away
i can quickly run in to grab my book
but sleeping on the couch seems to be the option of choice
until i wake at 3 am
feeling like one of those losers who passes out on the couch
and has no one
to gently rock them awake and say "come on sweetie, lets go to bed"

when i do get to the bed i turn to my side and never during the night turn to her side of the bed.
or so i thought.
while making the bed i have started to notice the mascara spots on her pillowcase.
the sort that are only made by crying.
i am crying in my sleep it seems.
while holding her pillow.

i used to sleep with my head tucked between her shoulder and her chest.
my hand on her heart.
my breath falling on her neck

i don't know how to sleep soundly any other way.
im not really dreaming.

except
the night before we went to see the man
i dreamt that i was driving with a friend in one of those children's car

we were going down a very steep hill in a small beach town that I recognize from other dreams but its not the town i grew up in.
the hill was steep and we hit it and got airborne for a second and then hit the bottom HARD. We landed with a thud but we were fine.
i said,
"we can NOT do that again if we don't reinforce this thing"
"why isn't the roof on this thing?!?!"
and my friend answer was,
"well we can put it on of you want"
and i started duct taping the wheels and corners
that made me feel safer.