salmon at least have schools

I feel like im swimming upstream
alone
Calling the therapists and recounting the story over and over.
maybe i should have made her do it
or at least be here while i did it.
the anger in her voice today, when i asked her about scheduling and was recounting some of my conversations with the dr's, made me nearly furious.
she suggested that maybe we do it
and i would willingly do it in the middle of the night if I had to.
because i love her
maybe more than i have ever loved anyone in my life.
she says we live too differently.
and we should have moved past the differences and worked them out already.

and all i can think is that I love to sneak up behind her when shes making breakfast and kiss the back of her neck.
and that i love to surprise her with little dishes that i have never made before.

and that i try to remember to make sure we have water in the bedroom before we go to bed, because she will invariably ask "do we have water?"

she is particular and protective of her things.
i am messy
i have no love of 'stuff'
i could care less if something of mine breaks, or if it is borrowed without permission.
to me, its just stuff.
to her it is something more
and i am a bull sometimes
i dont mean to be.

it seems to be the makings of a gorgeous old quirky couple.
but she is scared.
i don't want this to be melancholy.
and the 'start as you mean to go on" in me worries that it will be the place where i can write what i feel vs what i think.
and i will.