6.17.2006

1.11.2005

shes never felt fishnet stockings

it was this simple thing that i had never thought of until today.

she was running her fingers over the strands of elastic and the slight snapping noise and the set of her jaw reminded me of watching a kid understand physics for the first time and the new found knowlege that they have some say in the world.

i am calm
i feel at home with her
i don't worry that i am going to annoy her with my rocking
or losing my keys
i am more aware of interupting her when she is talking
i kiss her before i go out to walk the dog
and if i don't, before i am halfway down the block i will text her to tell her that i am sorry that i forgot
not because she would be mad but because i am sorry
i can spend days at a time with her and not feel like i need 'downtime'
i can talk to my friends about how i feel about her in front of her.
we don't need to 'analyze our relationship'
it just is
it is weightless and easy and on the table
the first time we ever talked about 'us' and why it worked i almost felt violated
i was afraid that it would lose its magic

i told her that i loved her first
and not as a reaction to it being said to me.

i have had this theory that you get one chance at your 'life's great love' and if you fuck it up, you get what you get and you have to make the best of it.

i was ready to throw in the towel and settle because i thought i had had my chance
it had never occurred to me that maybe i hadn't met my 'life's one great love' yet.

until recently

sometime this summer someone said to me something about "if it doesn't work out with you two...."
i said "if it doesn't work out with us, i would stop believing"
the person thought i was being dramatic
but i still feel that way.
i can't imagine how it couldn't.

she told me that other day that she never wants to take for granted my way of dealing with things.
i think that part of my ability to take in stride, things that other people find far to much to handle, is her.
all of the outside things that we have had to handle feel like a drops in the ocean.
small things that pale in comparison to how i feel when we are standing on the platfom waiting for the train and i am watching her face and the joy that she is taking in running her hands over my fishnets.

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