What Would Dorothy Parker Do?

2008-04-09T09:30:00.000-04:00

2007-02-06T19:50:00.000-05:00

someone once said
if you are going to fall
fall forward
The End.

before and after...

2007-02-01T00:11:00.000-05:00

she said,
"i wish i could be her for just a minute.
Just to have you look at me the way you look at you phone when it lights up when she calls"

which made me sad in a way that i dont even know how to articulate.

and
i wish you looked at me the way you used to

the way she does now.

laugh clown, laugh.

2007-01-24T23:10:00.000-05:00

im afraid to say too much.
im keeping everything to the barest of minimums.
i think there is no surprise in how i feel.
im lost.
and lonely.
and even when im laughing really hard and loud.
i wish that she could be there to hear what im hearing
and laugh at what im finding so funny.

the laughing is new.
im scared a little bit that im laughing when im sad
i worry that maybe im handling this too well.

im not talking about it so dont ask me

2007-01-22T23:50:00.000-05:00

i always knew that girls could break my heart in a way that boys would never be able to
it was always my biggest fear.
it was the reason i was so ginger with my affection
it was the reason i kept them at arms length
and picked the ones that wouldnt be a concern.

i dont think she sees the value of this.
or the rarity.
in the day to day
and in crisis she is unable to see clear.
in crisis i see more clearly than i do at any other time
what really is and what really is not
and this crisis was like a big, wide, blue sky
where i could see for miles
and all i could see was the single thick black cloud
that would always be there
that no matter what i do
no matter how much i try to redeem myself
no matter how dilligent i am
i will always have a record

maybe in the end, i picked the one that would do the most thorough job.
and at some level i knew it going in.
then i was lulled into thinking that it wouldnt happen.
and it did.
and then it happened again
now maybe i should put the little hard candy shell back on

know no evil

2007-01-09T23:09:00.000-05:00

i dont ask.
mostly because i know
a little because i dont want to know any more than i know.
there really isnt any more time in the day so there isnt anything to wonder about.
i know her.
well enough to know that she can't split herself
soooooo
finely
to know that she is harder on herself than

that

but i dont KNOW
i know what i think i know
and whos to say that im not fooling myself
because i must
in order to be where i am
that i dont
lalallalalalallalalalala

and i dont ask because
i like being here

right.
here.

2007-01-06T19:40:00.000-05:00

I gave her my fathers crooked smile.
The one he gives when he is feeling all-right with the world.

I hadn't known until that moment that I even had that smile.
The devil smile that charmed everyone
The smile that got him through.
The one he gave to women right before he said 'hi sweeeeetie!!!!' in a slightly higher pitched voice.

I wondered if I did it all the time or I if I had just discovered this hidden ability.

If I HAD been in possession of this sleight of hand all my life, how much had it determined where I found myself? How had it gotten ME through? Did it charm people the same way?
i dont know
but
what i do know is that she introduced herself right after.

a month

2006-12-11T20:57:00.000-05:00

junkie
with guilt
and i never even let on
still embarassed by my lack of will
and i spent the time spinning and spinning and building cities
with houses and temples and freeways
and seemingly dreaming of disatsers and heartbreaks
and its hard to know whats real when shes only that close
and its hard to know whats right when you are far less dressed
and its easy to believe when she wakes up and sleepily kisses your furrowed forehead

amnesia

2006-11-11T16:45:00.000-05:00

my head screams that it wants out of my skin more often that one would imagine.
i picture myself running and running and running until i collapse.
blaming my parents seems the simplest solution
maybe they let something happen to me that i dont remember
but that cant be right
its always the little things that i forget
never the big things

history always repeats

2006-11-10T16:33:00.000-05:00

as funny as this is going to sound to the other half of the "Bad Idea Bears"
i am not impulsive with her.

in the past, my talent to get away with
shooting my mouth off
if im pissed or cranky or over it
has been second to none.
and its not just that she wouldn't let me get away with it,
its that i don't try do it.

my ability to sort through things,
my ability to stop and assess,
my desire to be a grown up about how i deal with things that come up between us.
the lack of compulsion to flee when things get heavy.
the fact that im not panicking from the weight of it.
that, for the first time,
in a very LONG time,
i do not have one eye on the door
or on another girl.
i am not sure what to do with that last one.
as that has been a constant in my relationships for almost as long as i can remember.

i have both of my eyes squarely on her
and this
and sometimes my shoes

this was written on 10/20/04
and i still feel the same way.

there is no other place i'd wanna be

2006-10-31T22:14:00.000-05:00

i am right here.
its a struggle for me most of the time because I'm always looking down the hall at whats coming next.
i have an idea of whats coming next
but i'm enjoying how simple this has become.
how i expect nothing except the space this deserves
this is the first time we have ever been exactly where we are right now.
in all the years and rapture and crap and junkiness and aloneness
we have never been right here.
and i really really like it.
i have to remind her that i still feel like a guest.
for now.
but when she looks at me with that crooked smile that I had almost forgotten about
i feel like i was never away.
when she backed me against the wall and grabbed my mouth to kiss me
i recognized it like it was yesterday.

this morning I woke up remembering some years ago
the yellow light shining over us as she sat straddled over me in an industrial neighborhood
with wooden palettes looming above our heads.
she looked past me and said, almost as if she were talking to the sky,
"I wonder where we will be in 5 years."
i smiled at her and shrugged my shoulders
and she said
"probably much farther along than X and I are"

right now i feel like i am where I belong

sun and the rainfall

2006-10-12T19:02:00.000-04:00

it was nice to laugh.
both of us
loud and a lot
the ease with which we move around each other
the sun and ocean
and her skin
and my little heart
happy and thumpthumpthumping

dawn

2006-10-04T22:42:00.000-04:00

i realized tonight
while spewing things that didnt belong to me
that i am ok
no matter what happens now
i am ok.

2006-10-03T22:16:00.000-04:00

i said that i had grown more in the last six months than i thought myself capable in a lifetime.
she said
"please promise you won't give up just yet.
not until..."
i promised.
because she might be right.
i hope shes right.

"it won't be easy for awhile"

2006-09-18T22:33:00.000-04:00

i am trying to look ahead to when it can be easy.

to a time when i will be able to kiss her shoulder
because the light is hitting it just right
and i cant help myself.

long division

2006-09-05T15:42:00.000-04:00

she told me that i had beautiful hands
i looked down and i laughed
because?
of course i should.

when she told me i had beautiful eyes
i believed her.
because it was convenient

"you can get anything you want with those eyes, cant you?"

but my petrified deer look
when she asked if she would see me again
made me feel like a monster
i would spend the rest of my time avoiding her

even when she said
"look! i can pull off 'boy'..."
gorgeous,
with her baseball hat holding all that hair back behind her ears

i just tilted my head and smiled and looked at the boardwalk
and knew that after dinner I would never see her again.

2006-09-02T20:26:00.000-04:00

i felt like i had been ravished by God.

that same heady, drunk feeling i had had the night before
when we broke the bed and she left.
but this was sea
and sky
i hadnt felt wind like that in years
nearly toppling me from my wooded perch
as a child, growing up at the beach, i had experienced the force of the ocean
it scared me
it felt overwhelming and far more powerful than anything i knew
and
i had seen a lot.

the water at night was terrifying
enough to give me nightmares
and the most primal reaction when faced with standing at the edge of white capped blackness.
i wanted to run

but tonight, i stood on the stairs as the waves crashed just feet from where i stood.
daring me to step from my safe spot and join it.
the air whipping my hair around furiously.

i didnt think about where she was tonight

i didnt think about what was happening

or the girl who'd bought me a drink and said she'd be looking for me later

i thought about "god"
and i thought about how
that moment was as close as i would ever get to seeing it
and
as i do whenever i feel small and overpowered
i said
"thank you"

secret code

2006-08-29T01:12:00.000-04:00

this is the story of the unraveling of us.
but at its core it has been a continuous love letter to you.

a way of sorting through
but also a way of letting you know what was important when i wasn't able to tell you outloud,
when sometimes even post its wouldnt have done.

because we both knew you would
and we both knew that i was writing it to you

i feel incredibly at ease now
surprisingly so.
it feels good
and
you were right
i Do keep going back to the beginning to say
"remember when you came to my house JUST to tuck me in?"
or
"remember when we would walk around the streets of SOHO for hours having temper tantrums in aisle 7 when we couldnt find dinner at 1am"
that was before we were interrupted.
thats when we built what we have now in its bare bones structure.
we ARE there
with all of the stuff stripped away

i will never be able to rid us of the fallout.
the only thing that i can continue to do is to try to make up for it.
and to never forget how fragile it is
and how wildly forunate i am that it is also so sturdy.

lost

2006-08-21T00:10:00.000-04:00

im not really sure where to write what anymore.
i have had everything perfectly segmented and split according to its gravity.
i am worried about the levees
and what is going to seep into what
where is the sewage going to go?
what will happen to my house?
i thought i was sure that the worst was over
but what if its not?

i talked about the beauty of the walls around you while you move through something.
sometimes that is easier to say.

i told her that i envisioned gagging and tying up my inner 'caretaker'
but i realized that, really? its one of the things that i am best at and i don't ever want to give it up.

no more monkeys jumping on the bed

2006-08-12T16:42:00.000-04:00

my hair still full of last night
covering a brain dreaming of taking all the unruly monkeys by the hand
one by one
sitting them down calmly and quietly
and giving them a job
making architectural models maybe.
something to keep them busy but thinking.
anything to get them to stop shrieking and jumping on the console

friday is the new sunday

2006-08-05T11:17:00.000-04:00

last night i felt 'lonely'
but simply that.
there was no sadness or grief attached to it.
just lonely

it was in the noticing that everyone was coupled up last night
and that all i wanted
after a really rough week
was to have my knees pressed into the back of someone elses
curled up on the couch
and NOT going out.

backstroke

2006-08-01T22:54:00.000-04:00

my head feels 'swimmy' and good.
it feels nice to experience that giddiness and let go of what you think it 'should' be.
I would be lying if I said that there wasn't a tiny bit of me that is yelling
'dumdum. Be careful please'

history never repeats

2006-07-29T00:06:00.000-04:00

I am a really good friend.
if I have nothing else in the world going for me, at least I have that.
and no matter how many times it might happen I am always surprised when someone that I believe in disappoints me by not being a good friend.

resorting

2006-07-21T16:04:00.000-04:00

my toes and legs have been slowly creeping
diagonally across the bed on to her side
i am slowly creeping back to my self in the singular

it's been awhile since i cried .
but tuesday night i cried myself to sleep.
while spooning her pillow.
i dreamt of love letters written in gorgeous linear lettering
i was able to make out only one word

"giving"

i rubbed the letters against the paint in the hallway
thus putting the writing on the wall myself
trying to subconciously gain some control
over a situation over which i have none.

wednesday she called to tell me that she missed my spoon
i told her i had been spooning her pillow
but
i hadn't told her that i cried
and
i didn't say that i was starting to usurp her spot.

also
i didn't tell her that i thought we might be getting closer to even

puzzle pieces

2006-07-17T23:59:00.000-04:00

I don't even know where I would be able to find anything to give to anyone else.
I slowly handed everything over to you.
all of my secrets,
all of my quiet quirks,
all of the things that I was never able to give as much of as i did to you.
including my guts.
I never dreamed that you would no longer be able to care for them.
and there they are sitting on a table for everyone to see.
and I don't know how to put them back in the right way.

tactile memory

2006-07-14T15:13:00.000-04:00

and while I hugged her with everything I have
I put my hand on the back of her head
so I wouldn't forget what it feels like...

2006-07-08T16:00:00.000-04:00

i finally packed up the rest of her things.
The things that I found comfort in having around.
The things that made me feel like it was going to be ok.
The things helped me think she was coming back.

She isn't coming back.
It makes no sense to leave her things where she left them.

2006-06-28T23:08:00.000-04:00

now
quiet=numb
or protection
or mania
but nothing in between.

first love

2006-06-26T21:48:00.001-04:00

we met on the front lawn of my erstwhile (gay) boyfriend's house.
He asked if i wanted to go across the street to meet his best friend since he was 4.
In was the last few days of my sophmore year in high school

We spent the next few years attached at the hip.
We wrote what amounted to love letters in gorgeous prose
with all angst and trauma and passion
We wrote them 8 times a day
once for each time we passed in the hall
tokens of our undying friendship and adoration for each other.
promises that we would be the godparents of each others children
that we would never leave one another
that we would be 'bff'

i owe my writing to her.

i owe all the practice of pouring my unfiltered, squishy, love lorn guts out
onto a blank page to her.

i owe my bravery to her.

she allowed me to do it without ever making me feel self-conscious

she would tell me they were beautiful.

she is still doing it.

happy 20th anniversary
my bff.

undistracted

2006-06-22T23:38:00.000-04:00

somewhere over the midwest
i started to cry
when i realized that
this gorgeous, brilliant, brave monster
is my karma
for anything i have ever done wrong
and everything i have ever done right

note

2006-06-20T17:08:00.000-04:00

to whom it may concern:

your notes make me feel better
it doesnt feel 'elegant'
it feels sad
and awful
and lonely

thank you for sticking with me.

half a yellow

2006-06-19T23:22:00.000-04:00

i will take a little pill tonight to put myself out
to keep me from thinking about having pulled her mail out of the mailbox
or seeing her things in the closet
or sleeping next to the pillow that she had her head on
not a week ago
or knowing that i have a mess to clean up in the toy box
and knowing that when i open it the tears will come

this is easier for her in every way
i am still here
in the middle of all the ghost images
of playing house

i want to tell her about the camera oobscura in the airplane hangar
and the guy making the new LEDs

but all i can do is wait for half yellow to take over
and fall into another dreamless sleep.

2006-06-17T15:46:00.000-04:00

i was asked o contribute a story to a publication in NY
so I have been going through the archives of the old blog.

I just read through the last almost 4 years of my life
and the downward spiral of the last year
was horrifying to watch
at the speed with which i can read.
i wrote nothing of any value
except to the extent that i am now able to see and recognize the decline
and how stupid and blind i was to it.
that i was unaware of the mess that i was making even as it unfolded in front of me
in my own words

now i am left to sit quietly
and test my strength.

2006-06-17T14:06:00.000-04:00

1.11.2005

shes never felt fishnet stockings

it was this simple thing that i had never thought of until today.

she was running her fingers over the strands of elastic and the slight snapping noise and the set of her jaw reminded me of watching a kid understand physics for the first time and the new found knowlege that they have some say in the world.

i am calm
i feel at home with her
i don't worry that i am going to annoy her with my rocking
or losing my keys
i am more aware of interupting her when she is talking
i kiss her before i go out to walk the dog
and if i don't, before i am halfway down the block i will text her to tell her that i am sorry that i forgot
not because she would be mad but because i am sorry
i can spend days at a time with her and not feel like i need 'downtime'
i can talk to my friends about how i feel about her in front of her.
we don't need to 'analyze our relationship'
it just is
it is weightless and easy and on the table
the first time we ever talked about 'us' and why it worked i almost felt violated
i was afraid that it would lose its magic

i told her that i loved her first
and not as a reaction to it being said to me.

i have had this theory that you get one chance at your 'life's great love' and if you fuck it up, you get what you get and you have to make the best of it.

i was ready to throw in the towel and settle because i thought i had had my chance
it had never occurred to me that maybe i hadn't met my 'life's one great love' yet.

until recently

sometime this summer someone said to me something about "if it doesn't work out with you two...."
i said "if it doesn't work out with us, i would stop believing"
the person thought i was being dramatic
but i still feel that way.
i can't imagine how it couldn't.

she told me that other day that she never wants to take for granted my way of dealing with things.
i think that part of my ability to take in stride, things that other people find far to much to handle, is her.
all of the outside things that we have had to handle feel like a drops in the ocean.
small things that pale in comparison to how i feel when we are standing on the platfom waiting for the train and i am watching her face and the joy that she is taking in running her hands over my fishnets.

2006-06-15T22:46:00.000-04:00

im still not angry
im waiting and it hasnt come
i miss her
and the part of me that knows that shes right
is the part of me that doesnt act out
the part of me that is still playing for 'the team'
keeps my hands and my mouth to myself.
the part of me that feels as if my flesh would crawl off my body
if i were to touch someone else's skin

the part of me that misses sharing all my little things with her
is the part that means more than trying to explain that
yes i am here and kissing you
but my brain and my heart are somewhere else.

2006-06-14T12:19:00.000-04:00

i feel so helpless.
i am watching her float out of sight.
and this all seems so horrible and wrong.
and the only thing i can do is cry.

darkest before

2006-06-09T13:16:00.000-04:00

i have nothing approximating a 'poker face'
i don't 'hold my cards close to my chest'
all things considered i am a completely transparent creature.
i have never been good at hiding how i feel
and this is no exception
i knew it would get worse before it got better
i just wasn't sure how much worse.

deja vu

2006-05-31T14:56:00.000-04:00

i wrote this on the other one almost 2 years ago to the day
as I said to someone today
"I am proud that I feel like I am walking the walk"

6.02.2004
....i have learned some pretty valuable lessons from some pretty amazing people.
this time it was my turn to teach myself that:
you must love people regardless of agenda.
you must remind yourself of it constantly.
and keep reminding yourself.
even when your agendas are the same
because someday
they will not be
and no matter how small or how great a variance, you will have to deal with it.
i reminded myself
often
and reminded myself that love=support in everything.
not just the stuff that I believe in or want.
so im ok.
and i am (in a melancholy sort of way)looking forward to living on my own again
and i am looking forward to the girl kicking ass.
in her game and her life.
where she is
where she is starting to create what i have here
and am so gifted with.
and i could not wish her any more love than that.
***********

note to my black book:
sometimes you have to get lost to figure out where you are going.

lost is my specialty.
i know.

.: posted by 11:56 AM
No comments

no sound

2006-05-28T18:07:00.000-04:00

the silence is the sound of sorting through files.
updating 1.0 with 2.0
trying to remain composed even when i want to have a tantrum
shoving
and shoving
and shoving
trying to envision how i will do later
trying to decide if maybe he was right
maybe there are things that i need that are unavailable to me at this juncture

and apologizing for wanting them.

desire

2006-05-24T21:05:00.000-04:00

all people want....
all anyone wants
is to have someone to tell them that everything is going to be ok
and to trust them enough to believe it

the edge

2006-04-24T20:18:00.000-04:00

its been awhile
im navagating something not so raw as when this was born.
i am trying to see where i fit in this picture
im trying to make amends
im trying to mend fences
realizing what this year had done to me.
i have moments when i am alone
where my heart sinks to my knees
and i blush with embarassment at my transgressions
its become more than the sum of the small visible parts.
this
right now
is the first time i have shed a tear in some days
the thought of who i am and what i became...
even if only for the smallest amount of time.
thinking about what to rebuild
and what can go to fallow
where to say
"im sorry"
and "i love you"
but still move on

rain

2006-04-15T19:28:00.000-04:00

it was raining in the airshaft when i woke up this morning.
the rain in that small, closed space sounds like the amazon
like drums and heat
like sex
warm steady and humid
it makes me happy, melancholy and sad
we'd lay there listening and smiling at eachother.
because it was better than music and words.

urbandictionary

2006-04-05T23:01:00.000-04:00

hindspite

finally speechless

2006-04-05T19:33:00.000-04:00

i don't have anything else to say
i feel like that's all im going to be able to tell him...
...her
i have said it all

in bulletpoints even

i love you.
i am still in love with you.

what do i want?
i want to be naked next to you sometimes.
i want to hold hands
i want to kiss you without feeling strange
i want to make dinner with you a couple of nights a week
i want to be included in your plans

you told me the other day that you haven't read any of this because you can't
its easier to 'put your head down' and get through

it makes me sad.

you are letting me walk away

because eventually
if those things that i want are not somehow fulfilled
i will start to shut down
i will stop caring

you said
"i can't say anything about it..."

and you whispered
"but I don't want you to shut down"

but you don't reciprocate.
i am getting angry feeling like i am chasing you.

you say
in jest
"if you are still my girlfriend, you still have to take care of me"

and i say
in my head
"if you are still my girlfriend you have to take care of me"

so in an effort to avoid redundancy, i refrain from talking.

unless you give me something else to talk about.

2006-03-27T19:48:00.000-05:00

flick flick flick flick
as you walk by the iron gate
bars that surround the improbable corner they call a park
in the east village

flick flick flick flick
the sun crashing through the spaces in the bars
landing hard on your eyes
you want to walk by that fence forever
knowing that the light hitting your face
just so...

makes you look beautiful

and its been awhile
since you felt beautiful

and the last time she told you
the light was invading your eyes in a similar way
in the small improbable space they call and apartment
on the lower east side

you were crying
and eyes swollen
and heart breaking
you sat 'indian style' on the floor
she sat across
leaning over to push the hair out of your face
she cocked her head
and asked,
"you look beautiful..."

she says this with the same leftover breath that she used to tell you
that she loves you
but isn't sure if she is still in love with you

the same leftover breath
that just talked about having switched off to you

the same leftover breath where she tells you that
she doesn't have much hope

you don't feel so beautiful now
but you know that the light can play tricks

so
for just this moment
you want to keep walking around this fence.

dicing history

2006-03-26T16:51:00.000-05:00

i couldn't find the right book.
i had a history book which wasn't what i needed for this class
some sort of politics or literature class.
but for a change, i was not showing up for the first time, the day before the exam.
i was late today but i had only missed 1 or 2 classes.
the professor, a young good looking man, approached my desk to tell me that i hadn't missed much and that it would be very easy for me to catch up.
He handed me a packet of papers and seemed unconcerned about the absences.
i took the papers thanked him and went outside to a grassy spot.
i emptied the contents of my bag to see what i had.
i opened the history book that i had but hadn't needed
it seemed outdated.
it was missing pages
lots of them
in a chunk
and they were not torn out
they were exacto'd out.
perfectly
and purposely.
almost the exact amount of pages that were handed to me
were the amount of pages that were so carefully removed from the history book.

deaf girl

2006-03-24T15:19:00.000-05:00

i am finding these bits that are so completely relevant now.
things that i am afraid to lose.
memories that remind me why i am doing this.
today was a good day.
i think maybe we both had some reminders.

6/15/04
deaf girl
i put my hand on the side of your face to pull you closer
with the excuse that i can't hear you
and you should tell me in my ear.

"i think thats my gum on his shoe"

whatever it is its fine
i don't mind that im not kissing you when your face is that close to mine
i like that i can feel how small the space between us is
by how warm your breath feels on my arm/cheek/ear

i love the idea that some day i might not be suprised
when i see the tattoo on your neck.
that i will have traced it so many times with my fingers and tongue
that i know what it feels like as well as i know what it looks like.

so i keep reaching to the other side of your face to guide your mouth to my ear so that i can hear you better.

the man

2006-03-23T22:11:00.000-05:00

i went to see the man today.
the man who is supposed to help
he said almost nothing that i didn't know
he told me about spheres
he told me about things that people who have no common sense don't know
without telling me, he told me
to brace myself for the crash in the little car.
because duct tape will not help

HNT

2006-03-23T17:55:00.000-05:00

it was warm and sunny and we were in tompkin's square park
it was one of those melancholy afternoons that we knew we didn't have much time before she was to leave for another trip.
stealing as much time as we could.
and still dealing with the remnants and slabs of our previous (and her current)life.

where on the west side someone waited at home so they wouldn't be late for the ferry that would take her from me for a few days.
she talked of how she 'tortured' me
lazily drawing pictures of and on me.
paint markers, grass, leaves, cotton
"awww jeeeze!!! I couldn't just leave it as it was!!! I had to keep going over and over it!
i promise I'll make something beautiful of this mess"

she did.
she always did
and always does

i hope.

flora and fauna

2006-03-22T23:21:00.000-05:00

the dogs are confused and acting out.
there have been regular peeing incidents, including M peeing in his crate.
I have been trying to make their schedule as consistent as i can.
I'm trying to distract them
like im trying to distract myself.

i go to see the man tomorrow
the man who i am hoping can help us.

i have been pondering karma
and that you reap what you sow.
and as i understand it, there is no statute of lmitations
on fucked up actions.
my romantic karma has not been what could be referred to as "kind"
maybe this is owed to me.

though i have tried to make it up to the universe.
i have been unable to make it up to the person to whom it might mean the most.
and i don't know that i will ever have that chance.

that will not keep me from trying
and trying to give these beasts some consistency
and telling her that i love her
and that i miss her

and the little coleus now has roots

the bed

2006-03-22T12:25:00.000-05:00

no matter where i am
dinner with friends
walking the dogs
writing a post
a bookstore
i dread the thought of having to go to bed
i can skitter in there for quick functional things
things like finding socks
or putting my shoes and coat away
i can quickly run in to grab my book
but sleeping on the couch seems to be the option of choice
until i wake at 3 am
feeling like one of those losers who passes out on the couch
and has no one
to gently rock them awake and say "come on sweetie, lets go to bed"

when i do get to the bed i turn to my side and never during the night turn to her side of the bed.
or so i thought.
while making the bed i have started to notice the mascara spots on her pillowcase.
the sort that are only made by crying.
i am crying in my sleep it seems.
while holding her pillow.

i used to sleep with my head tucked between her shoulder and her chest.
my hand on her heart.
my breath falling on her neck

i don't know how to sleep soundly any other way.
im not really dreaming.

except
the night before we went to see the man
i dreamt that i was driving with a friend in one of those children's car

we were going down a very steep hill in a small beach town that I recognize from other dreams but its not the town i grew up in.
the hill was steep and we hit it and got airborne for a second and then hit the bottom HARD. We landed with a thud but we were fine.
i said,
"we can NOT do that again if we don't reinforce this thing"
"why isn't the roof on this thing?!?!"
and my friend answer was,
"well we can put it on of you want"
and i started duct taping the wheels and corners
that made me feel safer.

espresso

2006-03-22T08:59:00.000-05:00

i have been avoiding the kitchen except for the most utilitarian of functions.
i havent cooked in there in almost 2 weeks.
i found 3 half glasses of espresso in the fridge.
i dont know how to make it for myself
or i forget to make it just for myself.

dog whisperer

2006-03-21T21:41:00.000-05:00

M is different.
and i feel sad for him.
every day when he puts his little feet on my leg, i say,

"i know little boy. i miss her too."

he looks at me as if to say

"what are we going to do?"

and i don't know what to tell him, except for that eventually he will be back with her and Im not so sure.

we went out tonight. for the first time in a few days where i was not crying.
JG said
"put on some makeup. you look like crap"
and i did.
and i felt better.
we went to dinner then out to a little place where i could have my Baily's in peace.
this girl walked in and the "im a lesbo too" thing happened and i got scared.
because she was cute
and as i was leaving i slowly turned around to look and she was staring at me.
i cried as i walked out.
i felt vulnerable and sad and lost.
she was beautiful
and it meant nothing to me
no butterflies
no
"...maybe"
nothing but lonely and sad.
and wishing i had my girl to hold.

rocked to sleep

2006-03-17T10:43:00.000-05:00

we were on the subway on our way up to an office we'd never been to
to meet a man that neither of us knew.
she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder and i lightly rubbed her thigh with my hand
"i like how that feels"
and then she fell asleep.
her head started to fall forward in the depth of her sleeping and i used my chin to hold it in place, not wanting her to awake with a start and her head jerking forward.
i kissed her forhead like i have a million times.
being there gave me some comfort i hadn't felt in days.

i was feeling good about the man.
maybe he could help us see our way through what looked like a big pile of tangled wires.
i brought my little metaphorical box with all of the 'good stuff' tucked in it.
all the things we do right.
stuff we could use as lynchpins.

stuff we had had from the first day we met.
stuff that i have held onto tightly when things got out of hand.
stuff that i was afraid of losing along the way
but here it is in this box

so when she says she has almost no hope
i am left sitting here with this box that i don't know what to do with.

my little dowery of us.

scavenging

2006-03-17T08:16:00.000-05:00

scavÂ·enge ( P ) Pronunciation Key (skvnj)
v. scavÂ·enged, scavÂ·engÂ·ing, scavÂ·engÂ·es
v. tr.
1. To search through for salvageable material

this is what we are doing
as i am told.

Most plants that have been damaged need at least one or 2 leaves to photosynthesize and regenerate.
Coleus are very simple, primitive plants. they can be pinched and put into water until they root, at which point you can plant them in dirt.

a pinch of the little coleus was stolen from a neighbors garden and it has lived through the winter, something it would never be able to do outside here.
it lived until February when its one little stem was broken and left to die on the floor.
that was the night when i yelled
"if you are so unhappy then you should go"
and she yelled
"maybe we should break up"
and i yelled
"maybe we should"

and i got out of the car
and she drove away

the next day i put the poor little broken coleus in water to see if it would sprout some roots.
i have been waiting
and tending its water
and making sure it has sun
nothing
nothing
nothing
until yesterday
there they were tiny tiny shoots
not nearly enough to plant yet

but if i keep taking care of it
maybe soon

old world meets new world

2006-03-16T12:07:00.000-05:00

i found this today while burying the remains of my beloved old blog.

**********************************************************************

6.01.2004
for 4 days i have had a running blog going on and no outlet.

i had a dream last night that i was in egypt.
there were hills of sand and little stones and rocks
of course i was picking them up and in awe of how gorgeous the sparkly ones were
quartz and some other very shiny clean ones.
i had them all in my hand when i noticed this dull sort of peacock colored rock.
it had no shine to it but i was interested in the color.
i pulled it out of the sand and realized that it was actually a sapphire but it wasn't already polished or sparkly like the others.
i put it in my pocket knowing it was going to be a bit more work but much more worth it.
i left the shiny ones in the sand.

what WOULD Dorothy Parker do?

2006-03-16T11:00:00.000-05:00

I have just realized the extent to which i have been lost.
because of
"it's been so long, that I forgot that you could write"

our exchanges were manic and passion driven and the moments that we were not together we were furiously and obsessively in contact with eachother by any means necessary.

do you remember the night in the stairwell, that i cried so hard onto your shoulder that your hood and sleeve were soaked with tears and snot?
i said that it was because i was so tired and worn down
the truth is that i was so in love and scared that we wouldn't be able to make it.
now im crying because YOU are scared we wont make it.

pigeon shit

2006-03-15T16:39:00.000-05:00

he lives really close to all his stuff. He can probably give you a library listing of the books he owns because he eats breakfast with them every morning.
I wonder at the shapes of the rooms; corners cut where they oughtn't be and rooms broken down into smaller micro-rooms. Not really doing much except to make me feel claustrophobic and panicky.
I cant even pace effectively.
The apartment is in a 'hip' neighborhood. Its stairs leaning as if to say that they are tired and want you to remove yourself from them and 'here let me help'
the bricked up windows of the building next door are emmense piles of pigeonshit rivialing in size, any African ant hill.

i am here to watch the slow breaking of my heart.
i shouldn't be here at all.
i should be home having breakfast.
Kissing the back of her neck.
maybe still slowly rolling around the bed warm and happy.
not here
not with these piles of bird crap in this leaning building with its ugly hallway and irregular rooms.
i want to be home
i want to stop crying
i want to think about something else.
i want to be able to listen to Andrew Bird

i think about "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"
i weep uncontrollably. sobbing loud and gutterally.
wanting to go backwards.
wanting to fix everything.
wanting to be able to eat without feeling sick.
i want her to believe as much as i do.

salmon at least have schools

2006-03-15T16:07:00.000-05:00

I feel like im swimming upstream
alone
Calling the therapists and recounting the story over and over.
maybe i should have made her do it
or at least be here while i did it.
the anger in her voice today, when i asked her about scheduling and was recounting some of my conversations with the dr's, made me nearly furious.
she suggested that maybe we do it
and i would willingly do it in the middle of the night if I had to.
because i love her
maybe more than i have ever loved anyone in my life.
she says we live too differently.
and we should have moved past the differences and worked them out already.

and all i can think is that I love to sneak up behind her when shes making breakfast and kiss the back of her neck.
and that i love to surprise her with little dishes that i have never made before.

and that i try to remember to make sure we have water in the bedroom before we go to bed, because she will invariably ask "do we have water?"

she is particular and protective of her things.
i am messy
i have no love of 'stuff'
i could care less if something of mine breaks, or if it is borrowed without permission.
to me, its just stuff.
to her it is something more
and i am a bull sometimes
i dont mean to be.

it seems to be the makings of a gorgeous old quirky couple.
but she is scared.
i don't want this to be melancholy.
and the 'start as you mean to go on" in me worries that it will be the place where i can write what i feel vs what i think.
and i will.

when there is a chance that you have become a bad person

2006-03-06T17:38:00.000-05:00

this is an attempt to recapture what i have lost in the shuffle.
the voice that allows for being scared
the part of me that isn't cranky.
and doesn't have to be 'on' all the time.
i haven't told anyone...sort of.
i mentioned that i might want to do another one.
but not sure it registered or stuck.
sort of an interesting experiment nonetheless.
bon voyage.

i marvel at my own stupidity

2006-03-06T11:06:00.000-05:00

how clever are you really?
if you think that they have not been waiting for this.

your very own 'secret' blog.

and?!?
how quiet are you?
can you keep a 'secret'?

probably not but maybe this is good practice.